(Sung to the tune of "Twas' the Night Before Christmas")

I - Chuck the Ranger

'Twas a nice day in August that I first saw "The Devil"
And the ground all around it was, well - rather quite level.

But "The Devil" that Tower went way up to the sky.
And it whispered, and beckoned... "So... come climb me Big Guy!"

I looked up at the claw marks made by Grizzly The Bear;
and I wondered and wondered "Hmmmm. What's it like way up there?"

So I lied to myself this last August (the middle):
"That ole Devil's not big; in some ways it's quite little."

I'm quite sure we could climb him with a guide with blue eyes.
We'll all get up that Devil way up clear to the skies!

So I asked Ranger ChuckMan, he confirmed: "Old farts make it...
with some help from a guide and... if they're phys-ik-lee fit!"

But they sometimes use cuss words to maneuver "The crack."
And their bellys get scraped up all along with their back.

So if this here montagne you desire to climb,
'Best start making your plans, 'Cuz there ain't that much time.

Tho' I ain't s'pposed to tell you, it's the truly true truth:
You must climb it with FrankMan to recapture your youth.

II - Death Falls on Sweet Ears

So I came back to Poky, called friend BillyBob Brown.
Said: "'Just come up with a plan Man, for our splittin' this town."

"It will risk us our long lives; We may die dead for sure.
But no fear there... cuz some gods and all Saints know we're pure!

Brown then sez "I am in - if my life's on the line.
Don't need to know what, if it's death it's just fine!

Are you sure Brother BrownBob? 'Cuz my plan's on the level.
Here it is: we will head east; we will take on "The Devil"!

Wooooaaah Brother! Yea, HawkMan! It doth sound like a "Go!"
I am in, Bro' - but fix my Will up! We will climb, rain or snow.

So who else climbs "The Devil" - looks him right in the eye?
We will climb up his nose, but... will the Rosqvist Man cry?

III - Flight Plans/Fright Plans

Soon the TJ was in 'long with "Rosies-times-two."
Got some tickets on Priceline off to Rapid City we flew!

The air was quite crisp, but warm blood pumped our hearts;
Drove to Frank's, he observes us, sez: "Wow! You're really old farts!"

But I've had worse (not much though) You are ugly to boot
If you were rats, dogs, or cats, we'd reflexively shoot!

But my heart you have softened, cuz I quite need some new cash.
'Worst can happen you will all die and your bodies we stash!

IV Cracking Up

So on Friday the Sixth, of October this year...
we donned cute rubber shoes and checked-in all our fear.

And the FrankMan he took us up on to that small perch.
To see if we could handle this rock DevilMan's church.

So just how do you climb this? Asked I of FrankMan our guide.
Can I really reach the top sans me losing my hide?

What's the trick Frank? Please tell me! Must I pretzel and bend?
To ascend this rock temple will the gods we offend?

Then I said to the FrankMan: "Must I climb up that crack?
Check my heart, I'm arresting - the real Big Mac Attack"!

Sez Frank: Fear not this tall Devil! You'll climb right up his nose -
Pulling up with your hands, pushing down with your toes!

Just talk to your body, flick your flicker, Cuss "The Crack"
pucker, suck-up, legs spread-eagle, Now, arching toenails, bend your back!

Frump your fritzer, tweak the trumflatzst, Hook your belly to rock.
Flex your muscles, then act studley, Talk the "Mountain Man" talk!

So we froze off our bunz, and we froze off our toes.
And we froze off our hands. But...up that column we rose!

And we did it! Did the column! Yeah! That one leaning down.
We done climbed it on Friday. Even BillyBob Brown!

V - Spankin' and Wankin'

So the FrankMan with JohnBoy plus with Chucker and Gene,
took us back up the next day - "The Bro'hood climbin' machine"!

Next I picked up my right foot, placed it right by my ear -
and while my left foot was stable, took some pix, zero fear!

Then I sticked in my right hand held my weight with a fist.
Placed that left foot, shoved downward in the crack (with a twist)!

Just this one time, just an inch Pleaseeee gods! I surely did ask!
Then the miracle! I done did it! Up an inch - now I'll pass!

Maybe two inches next time... or three, five, or seven.
Not that far up from here is Uncle Frank's Devil's heaven.

Thus we spanked with our left foot; and we wanked with the right -
. chalked our bellys and fingers and done climbed out of sight!

And more war stories were born. As we climbed up each crack.
With our feet on one side, on the other - our back.

And we do this for fun? Did the TJ Man ask.
Will our bodies fly home in a small Chinese flask?

Fear not Brother TJ, we will summit and live.
We will sign in that log or our lives we will give

Sorry, TJ. 'Just joking; You're so serious and white.
All that stuff about dying was for soothing, not fright.

We're in good hands, look around us; These guys value our lives
would you rather be in Salt Lake wearing stiff suits and ties?

Like I said, Gene keeps holdin' and 'a guidin' us on.
While he puffs on his Camel and he sings us this song:

"Use the really big spots for your feet. Use them first!
Cuz the much smaller ones, while they're fun - they're the worst!"

"On TJ on HoxMan, On Ronnie and Guys!
Impress us! Climb faster! And, please tell us big lies!"

As to Jensen: The Crack ate him, he was sucked clean right in.
The guides cautioned: "Don't sweat it" This Devil don't eat that much sin!

VI - "Hold me!! Hold me!!"

When I climbed up that crack (named for cussin' and glee)...
'looking right, heard the BrownMan plead with Frank: "Hold me, Hold me!!"

He was whining - yes, whining - BillyBob was wayyyyyyyy stressed!
While climbing just behind me, was our Ronnie - Impressed?

Ronnie heard all their whining, but kept plodding along.
Smiling smiles, thinking good thoughts and just a singing this song:

Please don't cry both my Billys, Suck it in! Toughen up!
Stick your toes in that crack, With your hands make a cup!

You two waa-waas, right beside us... Get on with it... or quit!
O'er here, we are climbing while you two have a fit!

Must I teach you to brave up? Must we see all your tears?
Must we live with your lies- masking nothing but fears?

Should we throw in our ropes? Should we pray to the skies?
Should we fake climbing slower? So we don't beat BOTH you guys?

Must we see all your tears? Must we live with your lies -
masking nothing but fears? So we don't beat both you guys?

Pay attention! Let the FrankMan, let him teach you his tricks!
Listen up, both you Billys! You'll extract from your fix.

In the meantime, cut the bawling. Get your bunz up those tubes!
This is climbing for real now. It is not stuff for boobs.

While back at "Chez Mary" with her arm in a sling,
did we occasionally hear as the phone it did ring.

"Hey Billys on the montagne - Are you tough or just wusses?
Need some Kleenex or pizza to stuff into those pusses?"

VII - Top Three on Top

So we three climbed "The Devil" And we spat in his eye.
Kicked some thumps in his temple and we three did not cry.

At 3 p.m. precisely TJ danced on the top;
with the HawkMan behind him in a hip and a hop.

And "The Ronnie" was next in a zippidy flash.
If "the Billys" had bet us, they'd be all out of cash!

We saw Dakotas, Montana... And we weren't even cold,
Close Encounters our launchpad this place made us feel bold!

And while up there on top (Though...I'm not sure I should say)
We saw Santa, the elves, eight reindeer and a sleigh!

And, yes, pictures? We got em! Eleventy-hundred and ten.
So the proof is of record who we was, where, and when.

Vlll -- Dang! I missed Conference!

And TJ, flat-land Bishop 'bout Gen' Conference he'll say.
Yes, I skipped; climbed "The Devil" but to confront him and pray!

Yes! I tackled the Devil, I did rassle him down.
I stood smack on his head, And I took off his crown!
Got real close to the heavens Went to FrankMan's rock church.
With strong ropes 'round my belly, Went from crack, ledge, to perch!

IX - The Curse of the Bro'hood

So curse Billy the Rosqvist, 'twas he started this stuff.
Seems in truth (to outsiders) we'd have all had enough.

So all hail to the Popo, (she just now blew her top)
Orizaba, Chimbo, Kili. Tetons, canyons - thanks a lot!

We've reached far 'yond our fears; Saw the light of the sky,
Exceeded all hopes And we didn't yet die!

When we're old, grey and ugly (like those guys in the show).
They'll believe then with rev'rence of where The Bro'hood did go.

X - The Ultimate Truth

There's two ways to spend bucks, we have learned. Yes, it's true!
Stay home, get fat, pay the docs! Or spend bucks where we do.